Uh oh, its another Mary Sue fic!
by ecnarf
Summary: Among all my conquests in life, writing this fic wasn't one of them. So this is something I really wasted my time on while I could have done something useful. Take that, english language!
1. Default Chapter

Ah, another writing spree. I have too much time on my hands now that the computer is broken. Perhaps will have fun with the 5-in-1 thingamabob that we got yesterday.  
  
Photocopying band music actually sounds appealing.  
  
This fic was inspired in part by FishOutOfWater, formerly known as Misty 2, who writes incredibly dumb fics intentionally, and they amuse the heck outta me. Also partly inspired by Laura, who wrote "legolas", easily the biggest piece of crap ever posted on the internet.  
  
This was all meant to be written as a stupid Mary Sue fic, although its obvious to tell I suck at writing crappy stories.  
  
And for today's random fact? I'm not wearing pants right now. Oh, come on, its Friday!  
  
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Arrogrrn stodd on topp of da hill, lukking around for Orchs. He saw none.  
  
Then Leglas ran up and said "Hey Strrdier"  
  
"Hello my old friend" he said.  
  
And then Gimli came along and said "How in the hell did I come here so quickly?"  
  
"I don't know." Said Frodo. "My guess is that a Mary Sue wrote this."  
  
"I don't think so." Sauron said. "If they can speel my name properly, the author must be legit."  
  
"As if!" said Eru, who was taking a brisk walk in Minas Tirith. "I mean, look at the first sentence. The author made more mistakes there than Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon!"  
  
"I agree with Eru." Said Boromir, who rose from the dead. "I mean, look! I've seen kindergartens write better than that."  
  
"Maybe so," said a worm in the ground. "But hey! He's giving me a part. So I'm on his side!"  
  
Well, then. After that happened, I think its obvious what happened next. Well, what did happen you ask? Well, its quite simple.  
  
A random swoony teenage girl was teleported from her spending entirely too much time on the computer to Middle Earth via a wormhole which had spontaneously formed through space and time using the 8th dimension as a portal to bring her in front of this unusually crappy scene, which is really below the author's dignity.  
  
"Squee!!" went the ditzy fangirl. "Aragorn! Legolas! Haldir!"  
  
"Eh?" asked Aragorn. "Where's Haldir?"  
  
"Over there." Said Gimli. He pointed to reveal Haldir doing a gay Elf- dance in the woods. "Hi everyone!" SAID HALDIR. "I DIDN'T SEE YOU!"  
  
"Of course you didn't." said Gimli. "No one every pays attention to me. I'm just the stubborn Dwarf. Oh, now, wouldn't you like to be friends with me? I'm waist height, grumpy, hungry, and I'm really egotistical!"  
  
"Shut up." Said Legolas, and kicked him down the hill. Gimli rolled and rolled and rolled, and knocked over a few random, but not too random, Orcs who happened to be walking around like bowling pins.  
  
"Much better." Said Legolas. The fangirl swooned once again at Legolas.  
  
"Squee!!!111!!!" she went on and on. It got pretty annoying soon.  
  
(scene break)  
  
We return with everyone wearing earplugs, and the fangirl having a really nasty sore throat. But her Elf-magic-ness cured her throat. Then she made Legolas even hotter than by rights he should have been. And the same with Haldir. And then she made Aragorn even more stubbly and hot and sweaty. Although the author is lowering his dignity, he takes no part in this last paragraph.  
  
Then she turned herself into an Elf, for the main reason that she could do whatever she wanted, because it was Middle Earth. She now had more powers than gladreil and was more bootyful than Arnew.  
  
Aragorn decided to dump Arwen for this new girl. The author quickly took up his post and ran off to fairy land.  
  
Then Legolas thought, "Wow! She's prettier than I am!" and tried to "tomber" (mua!) her to learn her beauty secrets.  
  
And hten Haldri saw her and thought "Oh I must have her!" "No!" said legolas in his mind. He was telepathic. "She deserves me!" "Boys!" said the girl in her mind. "If you can't decide, you can all have me!"  
  
"Fine by me! Said Aragorn Haldir Legolas together.  
  
Then Gandalf rode up on his horse, and decided it to give it to this mysterious girl who was pretty. Then Gandalf said "I have bad news" and the girl said "what? I can fix it" and then gandalf said "there has been a new ring forged and it is more destructive than the last one and we don't know who can fix it and I was sent to find you because elrond said that you had come and that you were able to fix it"  
  
"I see" said the teenage girl. "as princess of mirkwood, it is my duty to destroy this one ring forever!"  
  
"Yeah." Said Gandalf. "You do that. I'm going to get me a new horse."  
  
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Ok, that's just the first chapter. I really started to lose the whole grammar thing at the end. I'll try to make it crappier next chapter. Wow, I actually said that. Man. I'm pathetic.  
  
Please note that I'm just trying to rip off all Mary Sues, and those stupid people who write slash and that stuff. If anyone flamed me, I'm using them to find my pants.  
  
Oh there they are. 


	2. Always the Elves

The reviews are in, this story's a hit! Thanks everyone for your reviews! I even got a few confessions of Mary-Sue-ism among my reviewers. Now, if everyone read this story, fanfiction.net would be a better place. Hmm...  
  
Err..  
  
Just relax, read the chapter and  
  
Listen  
  
To  
  
Your  
  
Music  
  
CHA CHA CHA!  
  
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A cloacked figger stood in da shadowz. it walked bak forth wondering "have they found it yet?" over and over.  
  
his minonions studd bye scratching they're heads. "wutz he doin?" asked one.  
  
"I dunno." Sedd anuther "but I think hez thinking"  
  
"And how would you know what that is?" asked a third.  
  
"Shut your mouth."  
  
"You wanna take this outside?"  
  
"Uh... we are outside."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"So... how 'bout dem Leafs?"  
  
"Eh."  
  
"Mm hmm."  
  
"So."  
  
"do you... like stuff?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Hey guyz!" said another one. "I've got stuff!"  
  
"Good for you." Said the frist.  
  
"SILENCE!!" yeld the leader. "I have something to tell you all!"  
  
"Yes! I knew he was gay!" yelled a minonion.  
  
The leader shot the rascal with his bow. How did he have a bow? Don't ask me...  
  
"newayz" the leader continude "I have creyated a new Ring!"  
  
"Yawn." Said a minionian and the leader shot him.  
  
"And I threw it away so the gudd guyz could have a decent chance at destroying it. BUT! I did make it just so powerful that at least one important character will die in a mock scene of sadness, one character will get injured in the classic "American Soldier Death Scene" all crappy pro- american war movies have, and I can guarantee the main character will cry in several places, resulting in MAJOR flames!"  
  
"All right!" said the mudheads.  
  
"so you guyz will have to drop your guards and open a few key places that they kudd sneak in and destroy the ring from. 'n it also means we have to create a device that's incredibly easy to use to destroy the Ring."  
  
The moinernions whined. "why d'we have t' do it? they wined. We hain't dun nuthin wrong!  
  
"REMIND ME WHEN I HAD TO CARE" SAID THE LEADer. I'm SuRe ThAt YoU will dO tHe JoB wElL. "  
  
"Meh."  
  
(scene break)  
  
In a second Counsel of Earlrond Earlong wuz speaking.  
  
"The new Ring has been found." He said  
  
"Whoop-dee-doo!" went Gimil. "What do we do next?"  
  
"We must go to Mount Doom, into the fires of Ordoin. Only there may it be destroyed!"  
  
"Yep. Well, who's going to do it?" he said.  
  
Ornothing (that was her name, after all) stood up. "I will take it" she said and took the ring and placed it in her pocket. "I was sent here to save this planet" (music starts playing) "And it is my duty to rid all evil from your little paradise (the sun starts shining and everyone stops to look at her) and if it causes me some injury and just a tad of melodramatacism, I am willing to make that sacrifice because. (she becomes backlit) it is my duty!"  
  
Galdralf cracked open a bottle of champaine. "Yay! I'm not taking it! C'mon guys, lets make a toast to the hope this little troublemaker never returns!"  
  
"Hear hear!" went girlimb. "Dwarves always like alcohol!"  
  
"Wait, guys!" went Legolas. "We cannot leave this fair maiden to suffer on her own! We must protect her!"  
  
"Always the elves" went Gmili. "They just have to ruin the party."  
  
"Eh." Went Forbes. "I'm in. Maybe my sparkly eyes can divert some attention away from hers.  
  
"yees.." went Aragrin. "There almost hypnoootic..."  
  
Soon everyone (but Gandalf and Gimli, because G rocks your socks) were swaying in hypnotica (my new word! *slaps a TM on it*) from the girls' eyes. They were so bloooo and shiiiny...  
  
"Anyways..." went Eearlond, "let's go out and destroy this beeyotch!"  
  
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(this'll be done as a mary sue A/N)  
  
Hey guyz! Its meh agin! Hope ya liked my storey! ill write more. you know you loved it, so don't be hatin! And who do you guess the bad guy is?  
  
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Hey hey. Back again. This thing was a real bitch with the spell-check. Damn you Word 97!  
  
Now, the blue eyes thing is a little beef I have. All these mary-sues writing in blue eyes really pisses me off because it just takes away from the people that DO have blue eyes. *points at self*  
  
Especially in roleplaying. Must every character have blue eyes? I mean really!  
  
To clear up a few rumours:  
  
I have not been listening to Bratney Spears or Sluttina Aguilera just to get in the ditzy mood for this. In fact, I'm listening to Goo Goo Dolls right now. Previously, it was Matthew Good, and the Kingsmen because Louie Louie simply rocks. My IQ has probably dropped a bit. But that's OK. And yes, I do know the difference between "their" "there" and "they're" The first is possessive, second one a noun, and last a contraction. It is NOT that hard to learn the difference!  
  
As in "The toy is theirs.", "He is over there." and "They're going to be late."  
  
On another note, I am wearing pants right now. Go me. I may not get to do a lot of writing since the laptop is going on overdrive with the main computer broken. So just be patient.  
  
And keep the reviews coming. 


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